Reinventing Yourself, Even If They Don't Understand

Navigating Resistance with Grace and Style When You Want to Make a Change (or Move to France!)

As the new year approaches, we may be planning for bold new chapters or important adjustments in our lives, while also spending time with friends and family who know us well.

But among our dear ones, we all seem to have a recurring “role,” no? We’re the diplomat or the troublemaker or “the fun one,” the nurturing one or the one who forever needs help or advice, the adventurer or the one who stays closer to home. That’s how they see us.

But in reality, in our hearts, we are never just that one thing. We grow, we change, we want to evolve and do something different, to become what we are meant to be in the next phase of our lives. The problem is, well, life typecasting. Am I wrong? Does your close circle “see you” as playing a part, as “being” some way? What happens if you want to make a big move or take a left turn in life?

All the way from Brooklyn to the Palais Royale in Paris, even against the advice of those who knew better! Merci @theparisphotographer for this sweet shot

When I met Monsieur B in Paris in the middle of the pandemic and we decided to get married, I had a shock from some of those in my own inner circle. The experience got me thinking about what it means to make a significant change in your life that requires others to see you differently.

In my family, maybe I was always seen as that single, independent woman who had a lot of adventures but who was generally there whenever you needed her for something—health crisis, babysitting, favors, paying off debts, etc. Kind of an on-call caretaker in the literal and figurative senses, certainly a would-be family diplomat and an often annoyingly enthusiastic problem-solver.

Given my dating history (that’s a post—or a book!—for another day), I don’t think anyone (including myself) ever really thought I’d meet a wonderful man and actually get married, let alone move to Paris. I think we all thought I’d just “be around.”

Also, after so many years living in the Big Apple, pretty much everyone looked at me as a “real New Yorker.” My Instagram profile confirmed the fact. “Die-hard New Yorker,” it proclaimed. I struggled with erasing this moniker that seemed to define who I would always be.

After all, my dream from childhood was pretty straightforward: “Get the hell out of Dayton and move to New York.”

You can see where this is going. When I shared the news of the wonderful new man I’d met in Paris, initially there wasn’t much push-back. It was likely just something fun, right? A summer love in the City of Lights. But as things got more serious a few months later when we became engaged, I was surprised to hear from my family, “It takes two years to get to know someone. Why can’t you just do a long-distance thing for now?”

The thing is, Monsieur B and I had both lived through extended long-distance relationships that were not at all fulfilling, and on our fourth date, we had discussed that fact in detail. The other thing is, at different stages of life, I’d likely counsel someone to take extra caution. But at our age, and given our growing desire to create a life together, I wondered what my family wanted me to wait for? My social security card?

I’m grateful that for the most part, my friends were supportive of my taking a chance on love and moving to a city I have always adored and whose language I had studied for years. For those who couldn’t support me, you know what? You could’ve had a free place to stay…in Paris! So yeah, I guess you kind of blew it.

Yes, I felt sad that I wouldn’t have a chance to enjoy all the family fun that should’ve been a part of this delightful phase of my life. You know, bridal shower, etc. After all, I was a decades-long wedding planner who had never been married and now had a reason to celebrate, even to be celebrated a little bit. I admit it, I even felt entitled to some serious pampering, as I’d always tried to be there for that kind of thing (and more) for those who meant most to me.

This brings me to some of the lessons I took away from the experience, most of which apply to any major change you may be planning or undertaking in your own life, whether it relates to love, work, location or anything else that compels you—and others—to see you through a new lens.

Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction. ~ Rumi

Be gentle with your news.

People may need a little extra time to catch up with your excitement about a new path you’re taking. Remember that you’ve likely already been living the first part of this transition in your mind and heart for at least a little while, and your perspective from the inside is different than that of someone who’s just hearing about your change for the first time. Give them a chance to process how your decision will impact them.

Listen to others, but don’t tune yourself out.

There may be difficult questions about your new job/love/city/gender, or advice you can’t seem to remember requesting. Sometimes the concern for you may be valid. Other times, it may be coming more from a place of fear for how this change may affect a loved one, or from discomfort at having to let you evolve to a newer version of you.

My feeling is it’s never a bad idea to listen, because hearing other viewpoints can bring up opportunities for reflection, and reflection is always helpful in times of great transition. I look at it kind of like meditating.

Example: when someone is peppering you with questions or reasons why you should do this or that, you can actively observe what they’re saying and examine it from multiple sides, but you don’t have to follow their thought all the way down the road. Just see what resonates with you. If you trust yourself, you can be open to what might be useful, and you can simply, gently leave the rest behind.

Express how much you’d appreciate their support.

It is possible for someone who cares for you to be concerned about a choice you’re making, but at the same time to respect and even uplift you for making an important decision.

Sometimes saying out loud to a loved one, “After having considered it carefully, I feel really good about this change, and your support would mean the world to me,” may help them to understand that you value them and you’d like them to be there for you as you navigate your new journey.

Know that you have within you everything it takes to make this change.

When I realized I wouldn’t have the support of my closest family during my engagement and early marriage, I was devastated—temporarily. That was a time when I had to examine my own role in our group, and I had to reckon with what I thought were all the times I’d been supportive while others made big and often risky moves or when they just plain needed help. How could they overlook all that history at exactly the moment when I finally had a chance at true love (not to mention the dream of living a beautiful adventure with a handsome and kind man…in France)?

At a certain point, I decided to pull myself together. I conjured memories of all the times in my life when I’d made bold choices, some of which had worked out well (moving to NYC at age 19 for example), some of which hadn’t.

I reminded myself, hey, we’ve made it this far. I chose to forgive those who couldn’t be there for me in my happiness. I let them go. I encouraged myself as I would a good friend. Allez, Karen. Tu peux le faire. Et en plus Monsieur B, il va t’aider. (Come on, Karen. You can do it. And Monsieur B is going to help you.)

And you know what? It’s the best decision I ever made.

Remember that even if your change doesn’t work out exactly the way you’d planned, all change—even the painful kind—brings the most precious gifts.

When we take big leaps, whether they are well-considered or not, we are setting out on the adventures that make up our lives. Maybe we’ll have regrets, but as long as we’re willing to take responsibility for our choices and changes, we can use them to help us grow and blossom. If we need to pivot, if we need to change again, even unexpectedly, that’s OK.

Healthy caution and consideration is always counseled. But acting (or not acting) out of fear, whether self-imposed or doled out by well-meaning others who “just can’t believe” you’re going to do what you want to do, is almost never wise.

Over the last few months, I’ve been following the most inspiring Instagram account. It’s a testament to making a super-bold choice, preparing the s*&% out of yourself, and then rolling with it, even when you’re literally “in too deep.”

Celebrate your new life, and document it, too.

Moments of change are often exuberant, chaotic, stressful, exciting and even scary. One thing that has helped me a lot is writing, both in my journal and here in this newsletter (thanks to each and every one of you who have sent me comments and support). I have a chance to consider the enormity and the intimacy of what is happening to me. My life is full of color and detail and the poetry of sunsets. There have been tears on the pages, of course, but many more tears of joy and gratitude than sadness.

If you’re feeling change coming on with the outgoing year and all the incoming possibilities, or if you’re going through a shift right now, I’d really recommend you get a journal, or keep one on your tablet or your ordi (ordinateur = computer). Even if you just jot down a few words or impressions along the way, having access to an ongoing document of your new chapter may be very valuable to you as you process all that you are becoming.

Tous mes meilleurs voeux pour le nouvel an. Que tu puisses réaliser tes rêves ! (All my best wishes for the new year. May your dreams come true!)

Karen