Why Do We Do Things We Don't Really Want to Do?
I Never Wanted to Be a Sailor. So Why Did I Find Myself Sleeping on the Floor of a Small Boat in the Netherlands? Again?!
Coucou les Amis,
If this is your first time here, bienvenue ! If you’re a regular, merci d’être venu.e.s (thank you for coming). I absolutely love hearing from you and sharing stories of life, work, inspiration and creativity from France.
Attends, attends. (Wait wait wait.) Before we get started, have you seen this guy on Instagram? I have no idea what his actual backstory is (one commenter described him as Robin Williams-meets-Matthew McConaughey) but Uncle Pappy is giving big 4th of July weekend positive vibes and I don’t know about you, but I really needed that.
OK, since 88% (!) of respondents to the poll from this earlier post said they would like to hear about my second annual “against-my-nature” group sailing experience, here goes. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it might be helpful to skim through last year's post for some (painfully funny) background from my first ever sailing trip on tiny boats in the Netherlands with a dozen of my husband’s German friends.
Keep reading to hear what my own friends (and my fancy French teacher) said about whether I should go or not. Also I’ve pasted last year’s article below if you want to get up to speed.
I met my husband (we call him Monsieur B), who is half-French and half-German, en pleine pandémie à Paris (in the middle of the pandemic in Paris) in 2021. We got married in 2022 and I moved to France at the age of 54. Last year he invited me on a sailing trip to Friesland (Netherlands) that he’s been doing with his close friends for nearly 30 years, since they were at university together.
He. Loves. Sailing.
I love bubble baths.
Bref (long story short). I did go with him last year despite being afraid and reluctant, and it wasn’t easy. Although there were parts I enjoyed on that trip, as this year’s voyage approached I found the same sense of fear and resistance creeping up once more. And I struggled with whether to go or not.
100% of My Friends Cannot Understand Why I Would Go Sailing If I Didn’t Want to Go.
Without exception they told me, “Nope. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t do it.”
Before I respond to why I did do it—and before we think about the “why” of doing things that aren’t immediately appealing, or are even frightening to us—let me tell you what my private French teacher, une dame élégante (an elegant lady), said when I complained about the sailing trip. A trip that, au fait (by the way), was this year coincidentally scheduled to begin on my birthday.
I told her I wanted to do it for my sweet husband.
Madame Valérie opined that doing something you don’t want to do is not in fact a proof of love.
“The real proof of love is trusting your partner enough to tell them the truth of what you don’t want and knowing that they’ll support you.”
~ Madame Valérie, French Teacher
Bien entendu Madame. Vous avez raison. (Of course Madame. You’re right.)
But the thing is, my heart is not a lawyer who sorts right and wrong in the absolute. There are grays in life that shade and color our decisions.
When I half-jokingly asked Monsieur B how he would feel if I didn’t accompany him this year, his deep brown eyes began to well. It wasn’t a ploy. The thought made him sincerely sad as he’d been looking forward to doing his favorite thing with his favorite person (moi !) all year.
Sure, I could’ve pushed back or stood my ground. Of course he would’ve respected my choice, and he’d still love me. But my heart wanted to do this thing for my favorite person, who does so much for me and who doesn’t ask a lot.
Now, it may be true that I can also be a wee bit of a people pleaser. In fact, I might need the help of the Saturday Night Live People Pleaser Support Group. I’ll let Ariana Grande explain it better in the below clip. Or whatever everyone else wants (hee hee).
In any event, you know what? I went sailing. Again.
I went for love, and maybe I went for some people-pleasing. But this time, I went with a strategy to have a better experience. In case you have something to do or an activity you’ve chosen that you really aren’t digging, here’s how I thought about it. But first, a poll!
How to Plan for a Trip You Don’t Want to Take.
Sometimes we choose to do difficult things, even more than once. And I acknowledge that nobody forced me to go sailing. I chose to go. Also, I realize that “difficult” is relative and that my life is not difficult. But this experience, for me, is challenging, because I’m afraid of open water, I’ve never slept in the open and never been camping.
Last year my biggest obstacles were overpacking and poor organization along with a lack of comfort. So I thought through each of these to come up with some solutions.
A friend gave me some obvious but overlooked great advice for our four-day trip. “Don’t take new clothes for every day. Just bring 2 outfits and wear each one twice.” ~ Smart friend, obviously a man
1. Travel light and prioritize your daily routine.
A week before the trip we checked the weather. Rain. Every day. All day. I decided to buy myself a real sailing suit, one that would be truly imperméable (waterproof). I also left my extra blanket (and extra clothes) at home and reorganized my “night bag” for easier access to my glasses, contacts, toiletries. I took only my sailing shoes, shower shoes, rubber boots and one pair of sandals. I slept in my base layer instead of PJs so that if I woke up at night I wouldn’t have to change. It was all easier.
The lesson: We need so much less than we think.
2. Calm down.
Last year I was constantly jacked up on adrenaline because there was so much I didn’t understand, people I didn’t know, and a brand new situation that I feared. I remained on an unnecessary and self-imposed “red alert” the whole day, and that can be really fatiguing.
This year I vowed to relax, to fully embrace the fact that I could control almost nothing, and to surrender to my fear. On the boat I gave myself permission to not look in the direction we were traveling (because the view is often quite alarming and I wasn’t driving). Sometimes when maybe I could’ve been more helpful, I just sat on the floor of the boat and closed my eyes, or gazed off elsewhere to take in the tall grasses and wave at people on passing boats.
The lesson: If you don’t stress yourself out, you’ll be a lot less stressed out. Also, people on other boats almost always wave back, and that feels nice.
3. Bring one little treat as a comfort.
Don’t laugh. I brought a pack of spearmint chewing gum and kept it in my pocket. I know, what a ridiculous talisman! I saved it for when I felt stressed and then I thanked the heavens for that tiny burst of minty freshness.
The lesson: Honoring your own comfort, even in very simple ways, is recommended. Plus, chewing is strangely calming.
So How Did It Go? And Why Do We Do Things We Don’t Really Want to Do?
As to how it went, I’m going to skip the whole story about how the Scary Ferry broke down this year, completely cutting off access to both toilet and shower, and the one about how ma bouteille de crème solaire (my bottle of sunscreen) exploded all over my toiletries bag and destroyed every single thing—including my contact lenses— forcing me to throw it all away.
I’m omitting all the little complaints, because finally, I’ve discovered the real reason we (or at least I) occasionally do things we don’t really want to do.
It’s for the people.
Despite (solid) advice to the contrary from every single person I asked, I did it for my husband. I did it intentionally, just because I wanted to delight him.
And the thing is, I was richly rewarded with the kindness, care and good humor of 17 of his amazing friends who did everything they could (even though they didn’t have to) to make me feel welcome and special.
I’d had no idea that they’d planned a birthday party for me with decorations, singing, a special cake with candles, a card signed by every single person, and gifts. I’d had no clue that most of them had read last year’s story and wanted to talk to me about it thoughtfully, to understand my sailing-averse perspective and to share theirs.
So, why do we agree to do difficult things with other people?
It’s how they make us feel.
OK but really. Did I love it this time? The actual sailing?
Honnêtement, ce n’est toujours pas mon truc (Honestly, it’s still not my thing), but I learned a little bit more, which helped me feel more comfortable. More importantly, I grew a little bit closer to these other marvelous human beings who also love my husband and who were sweet to me.
And you know what? It was worth it, without question.
As for next year, we’ll see, but I promise not to complain about it anymore, either way!
Watch the video below to see some highlights and pretty scenery. There’s the pay shower, my sunscreen-covered toiletries bag, and a clip of the Scary Ferry (daytime view at 0:29, nighttime view at 0:40). Also note the tiny bridges we had to duck under (after taking down the sails and the mast).
And Now, A Few Bits and Bobs
Today, the route of the Tour de France is passing through la Bourgogne (Burgundy), my favorite wine region and one of the most beautiful areas in France. I will be watching!
Speaking of wine, stay tuned. I took my French Wine Scholar Exam in Bordeaux two weeks ago and am awaiting the results. Will I get another lapel pin? On croise les doigts ! (Fingers crossed!)
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Bon week-end les amis !
Karen
This was such a touching story, and I loved reading it's prequel. Thank you for sharing! I think the best thing about this experience (b/c it seems there are many sweets, and I am SO not a sailing/water type either), is that you were cared for. Your husband sounds attentive, sensitive to your needs, and clearly adores you. What an absolute gem. And you showed him the same in return. And this is what we do, out of love, out of consideration for another, not to mention for personal growth (that's the "dammit'' part, always a challenge!). This is what a healthy marriage looks like, I imagine. :)
I think there is also something to be said for getting out of our comfort zones. It's great you went!